the cocoon

"Look at the difference there is between an ugly worm and a little white butterfly!"
~Teresa of Avila~

I am seeking, searching, yearning to fly as a pure butterfly with God. I want to soar uninhibited in deep love and reverence fore Him. When I look at myself however, I see nothing but a worm; all my imperfections that keep me from pursuing God with my whole heart. My prayer then is this - Father strip me of all these layers of sinful, selfish, pride. I lay myself bare to your eyes, search me. Help me to enter a cocoon through repentance and die to this ugliness in order to embrace new life. Teach me to fly for I long for your freedom!

this road

The road is long, longer than I imagined. It is full of twists and turns; pitfalls and cliff edges.
I sometimes don't know how to deal with what I come across.
It frightens me, or hurts me, or stains my conscience.
Overwhelming circumstances threaten to halt my faith and build the foundation of doubt
Relationships move up and down, around and around and backwards leaving me dizzy.
My mind is always turning and thoughts that pass often leave me with a bad taste in my mouth
I say stuff, do stuff, lose stuff, and I am stuff that I wish I never had or never was.
What can I do with this pain, worry, loss, frustration, shame, failure, and selfish nature of mine?
The only thing that I can, because all else would be striving on my own.
I come to you Jesus, and I lay it at your feet. I bow my head in submission to you.
Your presence accentuates my issues, but your presence is also where I can leave them.
I am nothing without you, but you are everything to me.

The Dance

The worshipers sing all about me
I look eagerly for the one I love
there He is!
He is striding towards me
a smile of welcomness is on His face.
I giggle and leap into his arms
we dance and dance
I pour out myself in song
and He pours Himself back in
I could go on and on

I stand in a row beside many people
some with there hands up
some with them down
some with their eyes closed
and some with them open
but I am oblivious to them all
as I reveal in the fellowship of my love
and we dance... a dance in my head
yes, but so real.

As I declare the truth about who He is
He whispers the truth of who I am
I offer Him everything in all sincerity
and He gives Himself back
This interlocking relationship
of renwall and hope is what I was made for
I will dance with Him this dance forever
and I will never regret the decision!

In Love

My Quiet Time

Sitting in a cloud of pretense
going through the motions
an empty religious practice
my words are hollow and meaningless
What am I doing this for?

As I reach despair...
Your love slices through like a sword.
Casting aside my protective habits
to reach my innermost being
you set yourself down beside me

my eyes are wide - YOU'RE REAL!
my ears are ringing - did you speak?
aimes, you are beautiful, can I sit with you?
Did you just call me aimes?
Your eyes are twinkling
yeah... do you have a problem with that?

I shake my head to clear it - GOD?
You smile
You are so big! so beautiful
Your beauty is pure... so clear
Your love surounds me like a hug
I tremble... confused, excited

My Bible sits in my hands
Open it! you whisper
As I read you point to things and explain
we laugh together, we cry together
That's so cool! I yelp, You're so cool!

I start to talk...
I tell you what I think, feel, desire
You listen and you CARE!
I try to be serious as I go thru my "prayer list"
but you keep making funny comments
ruining my composure... I giggle in delight

I am overwhelmed with your presence
What was I doing before?
This is what it is supposed to be!
You are everything I ever wanted!

But then it gets hard....
You start pointing to my heart
and asking...FOR IT
You want change.

That is where the fake,
the going thru the motions
became desirable
It allowed me to go unchallenged
there is comfort in that....
but it is shallow and so sick

You stand as I come to grips with myself
You reach out your hand - come away with me
I offer you myself... everything I have is yours
Come and live Amy.

I will teach you step by step...
and yes, tear by tear,
but you will no longer exist in your hole
come away with me!

I brace myself against my self hate
What do I have to lose anyway?
I swallow my pride, my fear, and my selfish desires
averting your eyes... I reach for your hand
my arms tremble, I have no strength

Your laugh is so deep and rich.
It fills me inside and
shoots out my fingers.. my toes, ears and nose!
I laugh too as I swing in your arms
and you hold me close

Are you ready for an adventure Aimes?
I can't even speak...
I just gaze up in complete satisfaction
for you see...
I'm in love!

In love love love!!!

alone?

The room is full of people
and yet I feel alone
laughing, talking, joking, hugging
and yet the emptiness remains

frustration builds and
desperation soon follows
its like trying to catch a shadow
or encountering mirages in a desert

I can't stand to stay
and so I run away
If alone is what I will feel
then I want it for real

Emotions well up inside
choking the life out of me
swirling in confusion
I drop to my knees

God, where are you?
where have you been?
why do I feel so utterly alone?
why do I feel so much pain?

Holding the tears back
I huddle in a corner
whimpering, I hide my face
for He is right there

It was not you who left me
It was I who pushed you away
Forgive me for my pride
and please draw me to your side.

memory

Hee hee!!! here is something that I found in the files of my computer as I was organizing them... I wrote this during the summer after coming home from working at my Dad's dental office. Anyway, it made me laugh again.

The other day at work, I had a very lively talkative 6 year old patient.... trying to clean her teeth was a bit of a challenge. She talked so much it was hard to get anything to stay in her mouth let alone get anything done!!! First it took me awhile to even get her to sit down in the chair... and then of course she wanted to know how the thing worked and so I showed her. Then when she was ready for me to "count her teeth" she saw my explorer which is a pointed hook she said accusingly "You are going to poke me!!!" So I had to explain that I just was going to tap her teeth with it to "count:" them. When I tried to put my mirror in her mouth she asked quite concerned.... "are there other people's germs on those?" She also took it from me in order to see how it worked and began examining her own mouth until I coaxed her to give it back to me. She wanted to know if there was enough air for me to breath behind my mask and why I wore gloves. When I mentioned that Dr. Grindall was going to come look at her teeth she got quite serious and asked "is he good?" I was a little hard put how to answer her until she clarified "Will he take out all my teeth?" Then she went on to explain some show she had watched where the "bad" dentist was trying to take out someone's teeth. (Smart people who created that!) I assured her he was good but she was still a little cautious. She squiggled and squirmed and accidentally bit me as I was scraping plaque and polishing her teeth. (Ouch!) I had to keep coaxing her to open up and let me get to her teeth... in all, It was a bit exhausting!!!!