the question

I've finally asked the question that i was determined not to ask

I try to be tough and I keep my chin up... but it is trembling
"I won't cry!" I think... "that is weak and God wants me to be strong!"
I raise my hand in a victory salute... but I can barely raise it
I feel like I'm floating, in something I can't understand
I'm happy....... ????

missing

Father, I lie here with an aching pain, not knowing what i want. Faces and memories flash by provoking the pain and triggering tears. My desire is so strong and nothing is satisfying it... I think - if only I was with... but my voice fades off into misery as I realize that that is not what I want nor will it stop the hurt. I know what I want has something to do with love, caring, and friendship. I'm sure of that! I miss that so much. But Father!! As much as I miss them, I realize I don't want them. They are not what my soul is crying out for. I miss... I miss... I stumble for the words. I push faces impatiently away as my mind tries to find comfort or satisfaction in identifying the source of my torment. Trembling, with tears dripping from my chin, I finally realize what I want so badly... So desperately. It is you!!! Everything I miss... is wrapped up soley in... you. Don´t leave me here... teach me to trust you.