In all the changes... please just remember... that I'm still me

Remaining time

Ha ha.... sigh. This happens to the floor in my room almost everyday. :) I am here, and happy to be. God is doing really neat stuff in my life. He is filling me with Love, Joy, peace... and, He is teaching me to love Him. And I do!!! Sooooooooo much. It makes me want to burst and spill out all over those who His heart aches for. Of course... it really excites me to want to go home. I have two weeks left here in Honduras. So I hope that I can grow even closer to my saviour and love these boys with everything in me during that remaining time. :)

I am willing

Written to those that I love

I am willing...
to bear this pain for you
to wear it as a wittness
of my love for you

I will not harden my heart
or try to shut you out
in an attempt to ease my hurt
or control our relationship

I am willing...
to be vulnerable to your mistakes
to see you 4 who you are
and extend my heart in grace

I will not hide behind a selfish "love"
that appears only when you make me happy
Tries to focus it all on me
or demands you remain the same

I am willing to love you
to give you who I am
with freedom, grace, and affection
unconditional to how I feel

I choose to love you... and I'm willing
to bear the consequences
there is a beauty in this heart
there is beauty in my pain

To keep a soft heart
to continue to feel
to open myself up
and risk it all.....

For you

There's beauty in the breakdown

Seasaw

Sometimes, I am so sure...

of who I am, of how I'm to love. And I see Him as my lover, my encourager who motions me forward with excitement in the joyous dance of life, love, and relationships.

Other times, I'm so not.

I fear, I shed many tears. I see Him as someone who takes pleasure in tricking me. Waiting for me to finally open up and love before He pounces and demands that I not. Anything I desire is instantly suspected as wrong.

Yet... despite this seawaw of understanding

I am choosing to trust him. Whether that choice comes out of fear, or love, it is still my choice. It will be up to Him to draw my heart. I'm tired of pretending

Psalm 18

My last year at school

I love you O Lord my strength

The cords of death encompassed me,

And the torrents of ungodliness terrified me.

The cords of Sheol surrounded me;

The snares of death confronted me.

In my distress I called upon the Lord,

He heard my voice out of His temple,

And my cry for help before Him came into His ears

He rescued me, because He delighted in me.

The Lord illumines my darkness

For by You I can run upon a troop;

And by my God I can leap over a wall.

He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him

The God who girds me with strength

And makes my way blameless

Your gentleness makes me great

Because of you... my enemies fell under my feet

The Lord lives, and blessed be my rock

And exalted be the God of my Salvation!!

Life

Hey one and all..... It is a beautiful sunny day here in Honduras... and I'm listening to music.

Sometimes I can't believe what a relaxing life I have... well... sometimes. Just, get up when i want. Play with kiddos. Eat... sleep...

no homework
no friends
no life...

yup... its great. :)

It is one thing to miss you when you are so far away, but how will I ever stand missing you when you are near again?

It is hard to laugh... when there is no one to laugh with
It is frustrating to experience something amazing... alone
It is hard to cry... when you have no hope of someone's comfort
It is discouraging to take courage... without someone at your back


Thank you Jesus... that you are always there. Even when my loneliness gets almost unbearable... you give me the strength to go on.

changes

Its interesting, as I look at my life right now, I realize that this last year has been like me hanging in the balance between childhood and adulthood... and in a way, as I step over my 21st birthday, I know that I will be embracing my adulthood. It is more than just my age... it is the place and journey that I am in my life.

I live in a singles world right now. All of my good friends are single. What will it be like when I'm married? What will it be like when I live in a world of married friends?!! The idea kinda scares me... I don't understand it at all... and I suppose that is why it frightens me. However, when I was a child, I didn't understand what it would be like to live outside my home... to love people outside of my family. And now... I've only discovered that my home is wherever I find myself sorrounded by what I've discovered as my family - Anyone who loves me - as He does. It is all so strange... and wonderful. It gives me a peace... realizing that change can bring such joy