His grace... once again

I sat in class this morning, barely able to keep the tears behind the lids of my eyes.
I had come so far... So why was I back in this place? Why was my heart a biting hard shell that wanted to lie down and never move again? I couldn't even look Maria in the eyes when she tried to talk to me. I don't think I heard one thing from the instructor. But I wrote

I am so ashamed of the way I'm thinking
Its so wrong. And it hurts so much
I desperately need to be brought to my knees
I don't want this hardened heart
But my flesh clings to it
And I'm... bitter

How can I choose this darkness?
This blackness?
Arise oh soul! Awaken!
Spirit reach for the truth
Drag me to His feet
Expose me in the light

O selfish heart surrender
Why is death whispering in my ear?
Who allowed despair a voice?
When was hate allowed to move?
My spirit weeps within me
I do not desire this

But...
I cannot move
I'm frozen

Moving outside during break, and reluctantly letting Maria sit behind me to massage my back... I handed her these words and looked the other way in shame. As she moved her hands over me she also sang... words of praise, truth, and calling to higher things. I resisted... but my soul cried for Him. Finally, I released it to Him. That is all I had to do... and lying back into Maria's arms I continued to choose His light.
Though still plauged by thoughts and feelings, I know I don't have to be ruled by them. The love and acceptance of a sister helped me to recognize the grace in the hands of my Creator.