Solitude

Solitude, isolation, seclusion

• The state or quality of being alone or remote from others.
• Solitude implies the absence of all others
• Isolation emphasizes total separation or detachment from others
• A lonely or secluded place.

A wall
I slowly lay the foundation
I raise it with my own hands
my heart cries out in resistance
but I ignore it
Peering over I'm satisfied
twisted inside with misery I sit
none can enter.... alone, completly alone
I look up and gasp

HOW!
can nothing keep you out?

A mountain
I climb with determination
My breath comes painfully
Those dear to me are left below the clouds
but I push them from my mind
glancing over my shoulder I collapse
My soul is compressed with pain
fog surrounds me and I shudder in the emptyness
turning my head I whimper

WHAT?
does nothing deter you?

A river
deep and forbbiding
I can't face even my reflection
Plunging myself into the depth
plummeting down the fast current
my body broken and bruised on the rocks
like my inside, being cut into little pieces
even in death I can't escape my own self
looking up through the waves I see a hand... reaching

WHY?
do you never give up?

A choice -
coughing in exhaustion I stand
He speaks....
you can build your walls, you can run, you can even destroy yourself, but when you are done, I will be here...
always here, waiting, seeking, saving, and loving. You are mine
I turn my back
but I know I can't resist long
I am weak and broken
and yet I stand...

tears of loneliness,
self imposed and uneccessary
and yet comforting
How do I give up what i've always known
for something I don't know at all?
Pulling my tattered rags of self pity around me
I crouch in my detestable, self hatred
He is waiting....

WHEN?

Thanksgiving

Yes! I am home and loving it! The sky is starting to clear over hat Island and I can see blue sky! I have missed the water so much! We saw some orcas today and that is always a treat. My brother is supposed to be coming soon and we will sit down and eat our turkey. The only problem is that a train has just stopped out back and his way is blocked. Of course he could always climb over it and probably will. We actually have a fire going in our huge fireplace, we only have one in their like once a year so that is really cool. I am trying to relax about my homework and just enjoy the holiday today... tomorrow I will really down.

Things I'm thankful for:

My FAMILY! I forget how important they are to me until I don't have them around much.
God's grace (even though it is hard to understand sometimes)
My friends - you guys are awesome and I don't know where i'd be without you!

A struggle for silence

Okay... I know that I've just about broken every rule there is on poem writing with this, but I wasn't trying to create a masterpiece... just express myself and this is the best way I know how. So take it or leave it... it isn't for you anyhow.

Be quiet self and listen
Turn off your constant chatter.
I cannot hear the one I love
because of you noisy banter

Be still self and listen
be at rest and take it in
I can't make out his words
because of you again!

Relax self and listen
don't try to figure it out
close up your noisy self
I'd not hear if he did shout!

Shut up self and listen!
Why can't I quiet my thoughts?
drowned in my efforts for silence are
his messages which never stop.

Close up self and softly listen
make it a conscious choice.
or fine, keep striving on and on
and I'll miss His still small voice!

Oh powerless self can you not just listen?

Where can I find the silence I need?

This incessant noise inside my head

makes it hard to let the Spirit lead.

Lord I give it up to you now

I've tried it on my own

but instead of gaining silence

the noise has only grown

Oh God you know I want to hear you

but I cannot argue myself into silence

cut through my endless circle of thought

and fill my soul with your spoken presence

Peace

Today I poured over my psychology textbook and I promised myself that I will never become a psychologist. I have a midterm monday and I am quite scared. I am almost to the point of convincing myself to not care about my grade cause their is no way i'm getting a good one anyway. If I don't expect a good result then I won't be dissapointed.

On a more hilarious note, jeF schroeder (sp?) totally took me in today with that crazy "i broke my leg in Antarctica" line. I probably wouldn't have believed the guy if I hadn't heard Mary speaking to him about it beforehand. ( note to self -next time remeber there is such a thing as inside jokes)what thorougly threw me off was Christa seperately backing them up. "Oh yes! He just felt that God called him to Antarctica." In my defense it did sort of sound official... I mean phase II of Jesus school... whats not to believe. Ok... His explaination of how he broke his leg, now that set everything straight in my head. There is no way a walrus rolled over on him. (house dad! yeah right) I couldn't believe that I actually believed that he had a metal bar in his leg. my goodness I feel so stupid sometimes. It was funny though... it actually made my day.

John 14:27 - "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afriad."

comment from a friend on this verse "The same peace that Jesus had while on the earth He gave to us and all we have to do is accept it."
The more I have thought aboout this today the more it has been a huge blessing to me. I love Jesus! (by the way, the reason the number 14 is in bold above, is because said friend told me it was in chpt 13... just a way to show my frustration in looking and looking and not finding, anyway) Remember that Jesus is making available this incredible gift to you! Take advantage of it... He love you so incredibly much! (and so do I if you are reading this)

Aimes