A choice

I find myself caught inbetween the choice of two lives. One is sad and lonely without love or companionship. The other is warm and loving with caring relationships. The first one has only one advantage. I can think of myself. The second one has only one drawback... I must die to myself. And so I've struggled between the two.

On one hand I want to crawl into a burrow and never be seen by those who know me ever again. I want to run away and walk among strangers and keep it that way. to be cool and collected with a barrier between my heart and every other person's on the planet. If my heart is hard, no one can hurt it. This life ruled by bitterness would be the highest expression of my selfishness. It would turn me in on myself in hatred and the road would only downspire. knowing this I look the other way

I want to live... to know and be known by others. To let go of the fear of being hurt. I want to accept myself to the point where I am able to give to others, instead of continually taking from them for myself. I want to learn to love Jesus with everything in me and to point others in His direction... I desire that so very much. This life of vulnerability, of laying my rights down in surrender daily, is one that is ruled by love. Not fake feely feely love, but a real sacrificial choice of love. This road would not be perfect, but it would bring life and lift me out of the hole that I dig deeper everyday. Knowing this I shut my mind to the cries of despair and his buddies and open my ears to hear Jesus... my Lord.

Father, I choose life. Please forgive me for ever faltering. Don't let my foot slip back into the mire of despair except that you raise me out again. gaurd me from the path of bitterness. Don't let me seclude myself. Please help me know how to be a friend to those that love me. Lord, thank you that you promise to walk with me everyday, Thank you for waiting for me. I can't do this alone. I need you.