A cry from the soul

I don't know why it is, but it is. I strive and I strive.... but God is just standing there waiting for me to lean on him. Nothing I can do will ever make Him love me more... when will I ever learn that?! My motivation to do right and to do good is not about earning His love for me, but showing my love for Him. I may be disgusted with myself and the things that I do, but He sees in me my true identity, what He created me to be... He will slowly peel back the layers that I have built around this and slowly I will come closer to what He originally intended. He loves me. I know it seems absolutely unreal. I would think that upon a closer look he would turn away in disgust, but He sees me the closest of anyone. I can't fool Him like everyone else, and He still stands there and waits for me to lean into His arms.
Oh how my soul cries out to know Him more... not knowledge, but relationship. I want to have a deep friendship with Him. How long have i stood with my arms extended full length between me and Him? How can I live like this anylonger... I can't. I must know Him more or.... or I might as well jump off the back of a speeding train. I can't survive without Him. Believe me, I've tried. I know that Jesus won't dissapoint me. He has been waiting for me to cry out to Him. He is smiling and already reaching for me.
What must I do? Striving to please Him will do nothing, but spending time with Him is absolutely neccessary. Even if it is just one chapter, verse, I don't care... I must read His word every day. Quiet myself and just wait for Him to speak to me. He will... and it won't be angry or condemning... I do that enough to myself. I don't feel worthy, but i'm not... so I will stop trying to be. I never can be. Thank you Jesus for your love.....