Insecurity

What do others see in me? Why do they even bother to say my name? I want to run away and never return.... except at the same time I see the selfishness in such an action. I seek attention and then ignore it. I crave friends... but can't look at them in the eyes. I want to love, but can't accept it back. That isn't true love, its selfish. Of course that makes me seem even worse and I begin to hate myself. I don't want God to love me. If I was honest I would say that, and I just have. What is it going to take to make the difference? Why can't I get out of this stupidity and go on with life? I want to start over again... something else, somewhere else, I can't follow through. Why would that be any different? I am frustrated. I want love and I despise love. I can say no more.... I feel guilty for feeling this way. I shouldn't be because... I mean... read my last post. Everything positive in me has just faded away. I am a complete pesimist. What do others see in me? And why does it matter? It doesn't. Why can't I accept that? because it does matter, but it shouldn't.
What does God see in me? That pearl that He is stripping things from... I can almost see it and yet it seems so obscured and hoplessly lost. Will I ever see myself as God sees me? Not as long as I hold onto what I see. But how do I let go? It is impossible.... or is it? What do I truly want? Why do I want to hold on? False sense of security... and I hate it! But I love it.... oh how I love it. God strip it away despite my feelings of frustration.... It is the only way I can see you, and that is what I want.