grace?

I have received the Spirit of God, and NO, it was by nothing I've done, only by the hearing of faith, by him coming down to me. how come I strive and strive and strive so much to be perfect? In that I move even farther away from the truth, His grace, his salvation and even cause it to have been in vain that Christ went to the cross. How horrible. This is a worse thing than falling over and over again to let myself be picked up again by His grace. Curse this pride that turns me away from his grace. Oh God that you would pour your grace over me, to humble me, to save me. I give in.

I don't want to be able to boast of anything that I've done, only pointing towards the cross as the only means of my feet being able to stand on the floor this day. Anything I do, may it be because I boast in the cross.

May the grace of Jesus be with my Spirit. Truly... this is my prayer. Your grace Lord, I need it desperately. Help me grasp it. Reveal it to me. I need you.